All things new

Well, I made it.  Barely.  Ha!  This year has been roooouuuuugh, boy.  Miscarriages, divorce, trying to feel like I'm not the worst mom alive.  But.  This year has ended on a high note.  Most importantly, Sienna Raine is happy.  She misses each parent when she's not with them but overall, she's a happy, well-adjusted little girl.  And I attribute that to God and BOTH her parents who love her.  She is the light of my life!!!!  She's so beautiful and sweet and funny.  That girl is FUNNY!!  I love watching her little mind grow and hearing something new and unexpected (and sometimes mildly profane) come out of her mouth. Secondly, my Chris.  Oh, how I love this man.  I love his manliness.  I love his blue eyes.  I love his voice.  I love his sense of humor.  I love his intelligence.  I love his resolve and common sense.  I love how he takes care of me.  We have some friction at times.  But I'm learning to grow up.  Literally just this week, I realized I have GOT to let things go.  Things that don't directly concern me and....things that do; because I can't change the things that aren't in my control.  Things that are in my control however......which brings me to....me.  I've taken on a new perspective.  I've decided to be my own best friend.  When I was very hard on myself and always putting myself down, a couple people asked me how I'd treat a friend who was in my shoes.  What would I say if a friend came to me with my problems and self-esteem.  I'd be loving to her.  I'd tell her to cut herself a break.  But I'd also give a gentle shove in the right direction - motivate her to move on.  Because moving on is the best way to move on!  So I started doing that.  I've always talked to myself but I'm now taking my relationship with myself seriously.  I'm encouraging me.  It's been nice.  I feel alive again and I'm embarking on some new things with my life.  Stay tuned...
Thirdly, my family.  Doggone it if I don't have the best mom and sisters in the whole wide world.  They're beautiful - inside and out.  Seriously.  My mom and sisters are gorgeous.  Funny.  Infuriating.  Generous.  Frustrating.  Loving.  They're all of it.  And I wouldn't have them any other way.
Fourthly(?), my friends.  These nuts I call friends are who get me through some days.  I love them.  And they love me.  That's all we need.


Happy New Year, All.  Happy New Year.
oxoxox

Today

Today, I'm missing my dad.

Din-Din

Chris and I cooked an amazing dinner last night.  He manned the steaks, I handled the potato skins.  It was DELICIOUS!!  We spanked that kitchen, you hear me?  Spanked it.  High five, babe.

Staying Afloat

So, I suffer from depression.  I have since I was a teenager.  But it's gotten increasingly worse since the separation/divorce.  Now, when things are generally good, I find I still get depressed.  I realize that I'm experiencing this mid-life crisis thing at the ripe old age of 34.  So.  I feel like I'm drowning most days.  Such effort it takes to even get out of bed.  If it were just me, I wouldn't care.  But my depressed moods affect those closest to me.  My boyfriend, mostly.  I manage to put on a brave face for Raine.  I find I try harder with her because she's little and needs to see me happy.  But with my boyfriend, I unfortunately find myself feeling comfortable enough to just let go around him.  I figure he's stronger and can handle my moods.  But I'm so tired.  I can't remember the last time I felt normal.  So I'm beginning medication.  I need something to balance me, give me energy, the ability to feel motivated, etc.

Stomach knots releasing

Had conciliation today with Sienna's father.  He didn't show up because he got the time wrong.  I was pleased.  He was not.  Such is life.  As a result of his no-show, the meeting went very well.  All is and will be as it should be.

Mind.Body.Soul.Rendezvous

ok. my first post.  i have a lot of stuff i need to get out.  and this is my place to do it.  this is where i rendezvous.  why 'rendezvous' as the title of my blog?  first of all, i love the way it sounds.  secondly, i love the way it looks and spells.  i love words and this one is one of my favorites.  when i first saw the spelling of this word, i fell in love.  i know.  i'm weird.  but that's me.  a weird word-freak.  thirdly, this is where my mind, body and soul meet.  and i want yours to meet here too. comment.  about anything.  i will, that's for sure.  please don't look at this blog with a critical eye.  it's scattered and strange, sometimes it will be optimistic and happy, other times you'll wonder why i don't just shoot myself and put me and you out of our misery.  yeah.  i can get that bad.  but mostly, it will be honest.  i'm going to be honest.


so, to start out, i've become jaded over the past couple years.  i don't like who i've become.  i'm cynical.  cold at times.  i just don't like it.  so i'm on a journey to change.  to become more like the softer person i used to be - before life bent me over.  i've lost my will to move, act, become.  but i can't stay this way.  i need to move, act, become someone my daughter will think is pretty amazing like i think my mom is.  and if not amazing, then pretty alright.